Toothfairy Diss and the Best Meal Ever

I woke up last night and ate what I consider to be one of the finest meals of my life....
A peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich on a whole wheat hamburger bun!!!

Okay, I know it doesn't sound particularly wonderful BUT to me, last night, at that moment.. IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!

This meal is running a close second ONLY to the 3 family size bags of peanut butter M&Ms I downed after I got off of that pirate ship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DISASTER ALERT:

Iris and I are trick or treating for UNICEF-meaning we take a container and collect pennies, dimes, etc. instead of candy (which she gets anyway)...
So Iris wrote a kind note to the tooth fairy asking for a donation and put it under her pillow. She didnt tell me and nevertheless...

THE TOOTHFAIRY DISSED HER!

Iris wakes up in a tyraid screaming "the toothfairy hates me" and "She only cares about teeth "... What a way to wake up!

I'm the mystery reader at school today---all the kids got clues all week and have to guess who it is...

Apparently they are all onto me because one of the clues was that I used to live in Hawaii and Iris has told everyone she was born there.

Im taking a Fraggle Rock book----Im sure to catch hell because no 7 year old (besides mine) knows what Fraggle Rock is, but lets be honest...

It was the best show on television--well, up until last summer

Happy Halloween

Recruiters, Psychics, and Celebs...Oh My

My ass hurts from sitting all the time at work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate sitting. If anyone knows how I can make money (doesn't need to be a lot) by not going into an office---PA-A-LEZE let me know!

I need adventure, excitement, and I need to throw a grenade every once in a while.

SPEAKING of grenades. I have BEEN trying to sign up for the National Guard for over 2 MONTHS!!!! The problem you ask?????? My recruiter. He's ALWAYS gone. He's in air assault school. His kids are sick. He is Everywhere but coming to my house to get me to sign a piece of freaking paper.

Now, I am taking this as an omen because ANYONE should be able sign up for the guard, except apparently me.

Why do I want to do it you ask?

STUDENT LOAN REPAYMENT!!!!! $15,000 BONUS, A chance to blow something up every once and a while, ...

I mean, seriously, its 1 weekend a month.

Yes, I hear you...DEPLOYMENT! I dont think it would happen BUT I realize you never know and....I dont know. I don't think too far ahead.

All the recruiters here for the NG work in the SAME office and once you talk to one, you are off limits to the others, so finding a new one is not an option.

I'm going to let this go till after Christmas and then re-think it.

I wish there was a fight club here in Austin for chicks. I don't like the idea of hurting anyone, but I like the sensation of a getting good punch in my arm every once and a while (NOT IN AN IKE AND TINA KIND OF WAY). Basically I think I need my ass kicked. Im kidding---I think...

On a nicer note with less sublimation (in the freudian sense) I AM SO FREAKING PUMPED RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!!!!! I could do a forrest gumplike run at the moment....I think something AWESOME is about to happen to me....I feel it.

My psychic told me that I was supposed to be getting a marriage proposal in November/December. HA!!!!!!

I dont even have a boyfriend AND I would say no to ANYONE right now, although lets see if I would re-consider for any of my celebrity crushes:

1. Corbin Bleu--- Although looks are never a first priority for me...This man is SEXY!!!! But, he doesnt meet my height requirement (he is only 5'11)...

2. Michael Phelps---I love his determination and his dorkiness, but he's out for being too boring

3. Brian Kilmeade--He is hilarious and SMART and kind of Dorky---But he is MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I guess my psychic was WRONG! But thats okay.....she's a psychic. She can only be correct 50% of the time....

Halloween disaster and how the hell did I end up with a cat?

Last night I spent 2 hours making a Katie Kazoo Switcheroo pumpkin for Iris to take to school today because it was "bring in a pumpkin that looks like your favorite book character day"

Iris is very very particular and if things aren't perfect then she gives up...

As soon as she, according to her, "messed up the eyes"... it was all downhill.

She starts crying "Im bad at everything" and slamming doors. Then I start receiving flying notes from under the bedroom door that say things like "the pieces are missing to my American Girl game" and "You owe me 4 dollars".

THEN, my cat---who I cant even believe I own because I HATE cats, (I can't say no to Iris's please can I have it face AND he does happen to be cute AND the ONLY actual reason I said okay was because he is so fluffy and KIND OF resembles a dog)...starts running through the project area spilling things and pulling yarn everywhere and then crying because he has glue stuck on his butt.

So I have a kid freaking out and a cat freaking out and glue on my eyeballs and yarn everywhere and I am trying my hardest to make Katie Kazoo look like the real literary version of Katie Kazoo and then my f'ing phone was dinging 50 times and Oh, did I mention a tree fell on my house?

Now when I go from the house to my car I have to negotiate a jungle. To get myself, with my work bag and Iris and her school bag, lunchbox and a Katie Kazoo pumpkin through a forest on my sidewalk---OMG!

I got my contacts in the mail yesterday and now I can see again--sort of. I havent been to the eye doctor in like 4 years and I think my script is a little outdated. Apparently sight is not on my priority list...

I havent taken any photos of myself in a while because I am having one of those months when I look like a sewer rat and seriously I just dont want to be reminded of it by a cell phone photo. I need a little makeup and perhaps a love interest---maybe I will feel presentable again.

That wasnt an advertisement by the way.

I'm most likely going to fly solo for the rest of my life because its easier and everyone bores me and I'm so f'ing weird that I don't think anyone could deal with me anyway.

I prefer to call my ex-boyfriend everyday and talk to him for 3 minutes nicely-then fight for 10. Then we hang up on eachother...

$1.00 a day

I'm in a good mood today.

But Im frustrated because Im trying to put a newsletter together and it is stressing me out.

Too Complicated.

I dont have a mind for business. There are things that I am good at... having fun, losing weight, self-torture, IQ tests, and almost every sport I have ever played (besides dodgeball)

...but I SUCKat business, selling stuff (I would prefer to give anything away), math, anything analytical, thinking anything through for more than a minute and a half...

I ordered contacts 1 week ago and I still havent gotten them. 1-800-CONTACTS could care less if... I... GO... BLIND!!!!!

I'm wearing no makeup at work and I have the heat cranked up to 90---It's friggin cold in Austin today!

Overconsumption disgusts me....Every time I see a strip mall or ANY mall or any store or GOD forbid a mother f'ing Wal-Mart I get sick to my stomach....

As a result of my distaste for consumerism, I've been working on lowering my budget, particularly my food budget drastically. I find it quite easy to live on $1.00 worth of food per day. (This doesn't pertain to Iris...she gets as much Ben n Jerry's and Juicy Juice and pierogies (she loves em) as she wants...)

Starting 1 Nov. I am going to write everything down just to prove to (you know who you are) that it is possible to eat less than 1.00 per day of food and quite healthy too...


FYI:
** More than 1 Billion People on the planet earn Less Than $ 1.00 Per Day

Did I say I was in a good mood?

This is the amount of food that a typical family of 4 in the United States eats in 1 week:

And one week's worth of food for a family of 6 in Chad:

Photo Credit: Hungry Planet: What the World Eats

Shopping for Fulfillment

I want to join the Peace Corps and live with no possessions...

And I want to shop on Madison Avenue and buy all the clothes my closet can hold...


But what I really want... is to feel loved.

My heart is empty and I am grasping for something...that thing that is going to fill it.

So, whether its being temporarily filled by the joy of helping others or by the "high" I get from buying over-priced shoes...

Neither one is going to sustain me.

It's hard...trying to figure out what I want and ultimately ...who I am.

Im trying to find out what it is that is going to make me truly happy.
Love, joy, and shoes will follow.

Pranayama Pansies

Yoga class is supposed to relax you.

My yoga class makes me want to go to my car, blast a Slipknot song
and start taking people out on the sidewalk.

Okay... not really, but what a bunch of f'ing weirdos.

Seriously.

The chicks in the class are typical granolas...dreads, no makeup, weird om-ohm "peace on the planet" crock of bullshit tank tops.

I can deal with this.

The guys on the other hand---all need their asses kicked!!!

Unless you're a 5'4 Indian dude who can put your feet behind your neck while chanting.... YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS IN YOGA CLASS!!!

Men aren't supposed to be...

so EMOTIONAL-- so... RELAXED --and have...SUCH CLEAN TOES...

Their clothes piss me off...Their perfect downward dogs are freaking annoying...And their lean muscle mass? .....You know all those pansy ass yoga dudes are vegans. WTF?

So, to all the "guys" in my yoga class:

Get your chick... grab her by the hair.. AND DRAG HER ASS INTO A CAVE.
When your done with her, tell the bitch to get you a beer and a bloody steak....

I promise it will give you more relaxation than 2 hours of sun salutations could ever do...
and maybe I can FINALLY get the inner peace I'm looking for....